Wedding vows and toasts: how long, who speaks, and in what order

Vows: shorter than you think

The Knot bases its figure on an average speaking pace of 125 to 150 words a minute. Either way, a page of handwriting is plenty. Read your draft aloud with a timer, because written words always run longer out loud.

A structure that works

• A vow writer quoted by The Knot uses five steps: your past together, what you love about your partner, three to six specific promises, your future as a married couple, and a strong closing line.
• Zola uses three: your love story, the future, your promises. It adds that you should only promise what you can actually keep.
• Agree on tone and length together before either of you writes. The Knot suggests letting your officiant read both drafts to check they match.
• Leave out, per The Knot: exes, rough patches, raunchy stories, personal jabs and too many inside jokes. A few are fine; a secret language loses the room.
• You do not need to memorize anything. The Knot suggests a vow book or card, not a phone, because it will be in every photo of that moment.

Are vows legally required?

Personal vows are not what makes a marriage legal. An attorney quoted by The Knot says there are no specific legal requirements for what has to be said in the vows. The same article says the declaration of intent, the moment you each say "I do", is legally required in most states, and tells couples to research their own state. Your officiant and the office that issued your license are the right people to ask. In The Knot's 2021 study, 47% of couples wrote their own vows.

Toasts: three published orders

There is no single correct order, which is freeing. Choose one, put it in your wedding-day schedule, and give it to whoever holds the microphone.

How long a toast should be

• Emily Post: a minute or two, three at most.
• The Knot: no more than three minutes of speaking, which becomes about five with the walk to the microphone and the hug afterward.
• Zola: three to five minutes.
• The Knot counts about five speeches at a traditional reception. Tell each speaker the limit when you ask them.

When to hold them

• Emily Post: at a sit-down dinner, as soon as everyone is seated and has a glass.
• A planner quoted by The Knot: about three-quarters of the way through dinner.
• Zola: a welcome toast to open the meal, then the speeches once guests are served.

What every guide says to avoid

• Embarrassing stories. Emily Post puts them off-limits.
• Exes, and problems the couple has been through.
• Inside jokes most of the room will not get.
• Winging it. Notes are fine; Emily Post accepts a written copy or cue cards.
• Drinking beforehand, according to Zola.

The couple's thank-you

The Knot says many couples now close the speeches themselves, that one to two minutes is ideal, and that it often comes right before the dance floor opens. Emily Post's version is the shortest script there is: thank everyone for coming, and thank both sets of parents.

Rehearsal and rehearsal dinner

• The rehearsal usually happens the day before. The Knot says the run-through takes about an hour; Zola's sample schedule allows 90 minutes.
• Decide who runs it. Zola says the officiant; WeddingWire says a planner, venue coordinator or responsible family member.
• In The Knot's study of 16,956 couples married in 2024, 74% hosted a rehearsal dinner, at an average cost of $2,700.
• Emily Post: it is customary, not obligatory, for the groom's family to host, and the dinner should never be more formal or lavish than the reception.
• Out-of-town guests: Emily Post says inviting them is by no means a must. The Knot says to keep the list fairly limited.
• The Knot's limit for speeches at the dinner is five to seven minutes each.

If you livestream the ceremony

YouTube says a livestream containing third-party music may be interrupted or terminated, and ASCAP notes that using a song in a video needs a separate license from the song's publisher. Test the stream before the day, and have someone record locally too.